Imagine a world where everyone, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, identity, religion, disability, among others, can access and enjoy the same rights and opportunities, and their hopes and aspirations are equally valued.
If you think I am muttering about yet another far-fetched idea, you haven't looked far enough.
That said, it's not entirely uncommon to find some excellent examples of how this plays out in many parts of the world, in the most basic social unit of society.
I'm talking about you. Yes, you (and several others) who are reading this. About what you have done and continue to do every single day to live up to these values.
You read it right. Any change starts with oneself, with people we care about, and nothing is more important than starting within our families, and most intimate relationships.
Why the family
As the title of this post indicates, equality starts at home. Families represent a boundless space to raise passionate, positive, equality-embracing versions of ourselves, and our children.
I grew up in a 5-kid (three brothers, a sister) family with two-full time working parents. I don't have a term for it but their kind of parenting style
· was never like "obey-the-parents-at-all-costs" kind of
· they invested in our development, and future but never thought of us as "investments" in old age
· they played a very active role, with just the right amount of hands-on approach, in bringing us up
· we were seen, heard, and treated equally
Some chores were "assigned" to my sister and me, like doing the laundry, but none were those traditional roles or restrictions placed on us as "girls" or privileges/practices that only my other siblings enjoy.
At a young age, playing with my brothers or other boys my age particularly drew me. I thought that baby dolls or dressing up was a total waste of time (lol). I was very vocal about my wardrobe choices, and refused to wear anything but shorts, or pants! I still remember my father's big thumb of approval as he was taking me to the shop to buy shorts. That thought makes me smile.
Now, back to the chores. For the most part, I didn't do it, or instead, they won't let me do it because I was so bad at it. I think I equally suck at other household tasks, too, for instance, cooking, so I was literally "banned" from the kitchen (yippee!). They knew my reputation that when I started sharing photos of dishes I made lately with my siblings, their reaction was a combination of "wow, you can cook now," and "it doesn't look like (the recipe), but as long as it's tasty, or just as good, that's okay." So brutal, right?!
Where was I again? Gosh, I got distracted for a moment there (lol). As I was saying, my parents were MVPs, at least for us.
Our parents persevered to give us what we needed to thrive and develop into responsible adults. They encouraged our independence to navigate the world with confidence. They let us see what more is out there, and explore it in our way. Without the pressure to excel in school. Without having to live out their expectations because they had none in the first place, except getting a good education.
Yes, lines were drawn on some things, and we were "punished" when we crossed them. Within those boundaries, we had space to learn, fail, and try again, all the while supporting and nurturing us with every step we make.
Our parents were our biggest fans. They cheered us on with every milestone we achieved. We discovered and loved other things because of their guidance.
When I was in elementary, running looked like such a cool thing to do, so I joined the track and field (but gave up halfway when I realized I was too slow to get anywhere near the minimum speed). I have no musical talent whatsoever, but I still joined the drum and bugle corps as one of the snare drummers and enjoyed every bit of it.
Papa shaped my view beyond the boundaries of our home and school at a very young age. A government agrarian reform employee (a very passionate one at that), Papa was stationed far away and would come home only once a week. He would take me to work, quickly discovering what his daily routine looked like first hand.
Every day was an adventure! At times, we would go to the mountains or remote communities. I used to sit and listen to him discussing with families about land reform, land titles, agriculture, and livelihoods. I would help him out with some tasks, including organizing his files. I even memorized every stroke of his signature. Come to think of it; my signature looks like my Papa's! (lol)
Papa was present for all our events, too, big, or small. Nothing could keep him away from our graduation from elementary through college, and celebrating our little victories. When I was in second grade in elementary, I didn't hear my teacher call my name. I cried, scalding tears. I told my father that I was really on the honor roll. My father consoled me, saying: "it's okay; I am still proud of you." I didn't stop crying (my poor 8-year-old heart felt like I disappointed him big time), so my father approached my teacher. It turned out, my ribbon got pinned to my classmate's. Talk about an awkward graduation ceremony (lol).
Mama was equally a source of my strength and support. She was (and remains) my model for everything – on love, managing challenges, going the extra mile under all circumstances, finding my dreams, and pursuing them without hesitation. It may have started as something my teacher mom inspired me to do, but I ended up joining oratorical contests with her as my coach and speechwriter.
The travel bug bit me at a very young age. My first inter-island travel with Mama (those days when a trip from the province to the city was an aggravating crawl) at the age of nine, exposed me to a world beyond my small-town life and established comfort zone. It was not just the opportunity to travel that blew me away, but also explore new things in life. Like a sponge, memories of vehicles of all kinds, people, buildings, and surroundings far different from the community I've known for a good part of my life filled my young mind.
Whatever my parents were thinking at that time, the richness of these experiences played a crucial role in how my young self made sense of my environment, the other "worlds," and ultimately, myself.
It surely was a lively, fun, and adventure-filled childhood at its fullest.
What’s the point?
When I was writing this piece, all those experiences, lessons, and values our parents taught us, and the ones we find ourselves surrounded by growing up, came back to me like a slideshow.
I know what they meant now. Who I am today, the person I've become —the decisions I've made along the way that brought me to this place in my journey. The values of equality and social justice I hold dear. My passions and why I love what I do. Why I wake up every morning, excited, and eager to make a difference.
All these were because of the decisive role and influence my parents and family had on my life. My parents never spoke these words to us. Instead, they conveyed it in actions, gestures. They applied it in their interactions with us, with others. They still do, up to this day.
When I got older and knew better, I decided this is what I wanted in all areas of my life, and certainly in my relationship, and marriage with Dom. You can read our epic love story here.
From husband and wife to equal partners
The relationship that Dom and I have borders around the concepts of shared responsibility and collaborative decision making.
It wasn't like this when we got married, far from it. In the beginning, we had a misunderstood alliance – we don't share what we were feeling or thinking about one another. We didn't appreciate or failed to notice how our actions or decisions were negatively affecting us. We were decoding each other's moods, thoughts, words, and activities.
Four words. We were not communicating well, or as much as we should have. I'm not talking about chronic small talks to pass idle time. But those deep, meaningful conversations. About the important things that brought us together. About those same issues that kept popping up.
This scenario was not what we wanted. After all those senseless fights and ugly arguments that left us emotionally exhausted and miserable, we decided it was time for a significant change.
Let me unpack what this means to us, our relationship, and our version of equality in our marriage.
Household chores are not on me; they're on us
From cooking and cleaning to laundry and dishes, Dom and I engage in a constructive dialogue (we are trade unionists through and through) about who does what around the house, and compromise. For example, we agreed Dom would be in charge of the once a week vacuuming task while I mop the floor to remove any dust or dirt residue.
We tried as much as possible to be equal in the way we share other household chores too. Either we do it together – I cook while he does the dishes; grocery shopping. Or we will split it fairly – Dom would run the washing machine, and I would hang the clothes, or vice-versa.
Dom used to cook our meals every day, including my packed lunches. Even though I wasn't much of a help in the cooking department, I would assist him in preparing the ingredients or cleaning the kitchen. Then things got better. During the quarantine, I discovered I could cook, and that I love cooking for my dearest Dom.
We also try to make chores fun or beat each other at the cleaning game. One time, we agreed to wake up after eight hours. Dom challenged himself to six. The "punishment": the one who wakes up more than 6 or 8 will do all the chores for a day. That inevitably brought some joy back into everyday cleaning.
Marriage is an equal partnership
One of the perks of being married to someone in the same professional field is that it was easy for us to have a conversation about equality and what that means. I'm not sure if it worked for you, but it sure did work for us.
I'm not trying to brag, but I hear a lot from our very close relatives and friends: "You are our relationship goals." The truth is – yes, I feel blessed beyond measure.
The thing is, Dom and I discuss, and almost do everything together. Things like - what to cook for lunch/dinner, what we will do on weekends, who will pay what, where to go on vacations, what to do when we retire, how to keep ourselves healthy – a lot of things literally, all the time.
We would also check-in with each other after a long workday. In an ordinary pre-COVID day, Dom would wait for me at the train station with his heart-melting and welcoming smile. On our way home, we would talk about things beyond "How was your day" topics.
Quite frankly, we have some bad days too. We do not always agree on some things, or how to proceed, and that's okay. We have lively "debates" over lunch about our relationship, our work, and our families. When those discussions escalate to big fights, with each of us leaving the room and sulking in separate corners of the house, we try our best to reconnect, respectfully hear each other's points, and resolve the issue before we go to bed.
It's not always easy, but it's needed. What's important is that we would reach a firm agreement, and a clear understanding of what needs to change, or improve.
We have almost nothing in common, and that's okay.
We have more differences than similarities – from hobbies, interests, preferences, to personalities, and the long list goes.
But we've never tried (or planned) to change each other. We appreciate our differences, and both have the space to explore and pursue our distinct interests. I love gardening; Dom likes to read historical fiction. I like romantic and animated movies; Dom likes action movies, political drama/series. See, we almost have nothing in common, but that's what makes our marriage tick. We both love and adore durian, though, so that makes up for everything (lol).
We found that a perfect solution to expand our repertoire of shared interests was to experiment with entirely new, or something different from things we usually do.
Instead of feeling like just another tourist, we would escape from the crowds and crowded environments, and get lost in offbeat, unusual, and lesser-known, but equally fascinating places. We would expose our taste buds to a whole new range of authentic, local flavors or dishes we may never have thought to try. We even joined a club for expatriates, and take part in local events such as harvesting organic vegetables in the kampung-style environment, or community day of horticulture in Singapore's well-known parks.
Working in the same field, Dom and I are each other's critic, advisor, and support. When we feel the need to freshen our take on things, we ask each other's opinions. Rather than think of these suggestions as intrusions on our creative process, we see them as coming from a place of wanting to be helpful.
Admittedly, I am naturally more touchy-feely and vocal about my feelings than Dom. That's not a problem. Dom finds little moments to express his affection in so many ways – something as small as giving me (lots of) back hugs, holding my hands when walking together outdoors, or even carrying a heavy grocery bag, hiding love notes in my lunch bag.
I'm a reasonably low maintenance spouse. I don't make a deal over Valentine's, and I meant every word when I told Dom at the beginning of our marriage that I don't need any considerable gesture or over-the-top gifts. This year's Valentine, he gave me a "bouquet" of rosemary cuttings. Whoever thought a bunch of herb cuttings could make this gardener's heart flutter? There's nothing quite my Dom, right?
We may well have all this – and more, but we know that there are many other ways to keep or improve what we have worked so hard to build over the last eight years.
We are still quite far off the "equality in marriage" mark we set for ourselves. Hopefully, the tiny steps we take each day to learn a little more, do something a little differently, and grow together for the better, would make reach the target faster.
Happy birthday Papa and Mama
This post would not be complete without thanking our parents for a great set of values they instill in us, leading by example and providing that inspiration to us.
My father celebrated his 69th birthday last month, while my mom's 65th is coming soon. I dedicate this piece to both of them, my anchors, and support in this journey. I love you with all my heart. I am eternally grateful.
Your turn to share: What does equality in marriage mean to you? What little tweaks did you and your partner make to get you closer? I look forward to reading your comments!
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